i came inside from letting the dogs out and glanced through today’s paper that was sitting on the counter. nothing i saw interested me and i wasn’t in the mood to read through it. until i got to the region section. the section’s front page headline was advertising that the city police are hiring. i immediately thought of A. A is a friend of a friend whom i’ve met twice over the past couple of weeks. A is male. a somewhat attractive male. a somewhat attractive male who happens to be looking for a police job.
i texted my friend to tell A to check out the front page of the region section in today’s paper. i don’t have his number and have no reason to. she called me back and we chatted for a couple minutes. she thought the article sounded interesting and said she’d pass along the word to A. she was running off to a movie. a few minutes later, she texted back saying, “A says thanks!” “cool!” i replied.
what am i getting at here? i had an ulterior motive and i caught myself. i saw the article in the paper and immediately thought to myself that would be a nice thing to tell A about because i know he is looking for police jobs and it might help him in his job search. but my ulterior motive and my addiction moved in because i knew that my ‘help’ might get him thinking about me. which would lead to his interest. so on and so forth. another fantasy situation. until it becomes true.
i’ve recognized this and i’m wondering if i’m going to have a challenge ahead of me. i’m thinking yes. because what i’ve set up tonight is something that could and would get out of control in the past. the challenge will be to have the strength to say no. even when i don’t want to say no. which is all of the time.
November 21, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Wow, this disease is tricky! Good analysis of your motivation.
And, what’s my motivation for commenting? Fine. Guilty. But I refuse to hide in my head.
I have the same addiction, I guess.