uh oh….

you know that challenge i was talking about last week? yeah, well, it’s gotten to be a bit of a bigger challenge. i found a new Q. my brother’s friend. closer to a bff, actually. and this past weekend was a BIG example of why this is bad.

i’ve been trying to think about how it started and i think it happened while i was getting ready in the bathroom. i texted my brother asking him what his plans were and to tell him mine. the first one went something like this:

“what are you doing later? i’m going to be downtown tonight.”

i knew that my brother’s friend might be with my brother and i secretly hoped the would come. when we arrived at the club, i added my brother’s and my brother’s friend’s names to the guest list and immediately texted my brother to tell him what i did. i encouraged him to come by sending him a handful of texts with reasons as to why he should come:

1. guest list means no cover charge
2. “it’s cool here” because it was
3. we were VIPs i.e. friends of the birthday boy
4. no dress code (but i actually think there was)

he didn’t come but his friend did.  because i texted his friend.  i asked my brother for his friend’s phone number but when i was still waiting for it after a few minutes, i asked my sister for it.  she texted it to me and i turned around and texted his friend something like, “you don’t know who this is but this is [my brother's name]‘s sister.  what are you doing?”

soon enough he came, and i believe that’s when i stopped remembering things about the night.  i can only presume i was flirting; i had had several drinks by this point in the evening.  it was 1:30am maybe?  a few memories later, i remember leaning forward from the back seat of my car, reaching into the passenger seat as i rubbed my brother’s friend’s waist under his ripped* shirt.  my brother was driving and A was in the back seat with me as we made our way home (safely, thank goodness).

but my brother did not like ‘us’. ‘us’ being his friend and me. not at all. not one bit*.

*long story. i will explain soon, i’m sure.

i love dogs

my dog tweaked out in the snow today. this evening’s exercise was the first time in three years that she had seen snow, and she certainly did not forget her love for it. we had about three inches of big flake snow and she ran around in circles, ate it, jumped around in circles, then chased my other dog. repeat. it was hilarious!

they are so good together.

i need to work on establishing my bottomlines

i came inside from letting the dogs out and glanced through today’s paper that was sitting on the counter. nothing i saw interested me and i wasn’t in the mood to read through it. until i got to the region section. the section’s front page headline was advertising that the city police are hiring. i immediately thought of A. A is a friend of a friend whom i’ve met twice over the past couple of weeks. A is male. a somewhat attractive male. a somewhat attractive male who happens to be looking for a police job.

i texted my friend to tell A to check out the front page of the region section in today’s paper. i don’t have his number and have no reason to. she called me back and we chatted for a couple minutes. she thought the article sounded interesting and said she’d pass along the word to A. she was running off to a movie. a few minutes later, she texted back saying, “A says thanks!” “cool!” i replied.

what am i getting at here? i had an ulterior motive and i caught myself. i saw the article in the paper and immediately thought to myself that would be a nice thing to tell A about because i know he is looking for police jobs and it might help him in his job search. but my ulterior motive and my addiction moved in because i knew that my ‘help’ might get him thinking about me. which would lead to his interest. so on and so forth. another fantasy situation. until it becomes true.

i’ve recognized this and i’m wondering if i’m going to have a challenge ahead of me. i’m thinking yes. because what i’ve set up tonight is something that could and would get out of control in the past. the challenge will be to have the strength to say no. even when i don’t want to say no. which is all of the time.

two revelations

today i was able to put some thoughts into words that actually make sense together. that in and of itself is a very rare occurrence.

revelation #1:

when my emotions aren’t extreme or intense, i don’t feel anything.

revelation #2:

i depend on men for the self-esteem that i know i can’t supply myself (yet).

i guess these could be considered “ah ha!” thoughts.

how do you UN-learn something you’ve been practicing since age 7?

hint.

tears minus the headache mean they’re good and needed.

airplane poetry

i hold my breath as i feel myself screaming inside.
i’m scared i won’t make it on my own.
i’m scared of feeling this pain.
i miss X terribly but i love him so much i let him go.

- me, november 1, 2008. somewhere over utah.

i need to clear my head

it started as i brushed my hair. first, some background on the brush. i haven’t owned a hair brush in over five years. i have a comb that i sometimes use but i’ve never properly brushed my hair. younger sister recognized this, and while we were at meijer the other night, she bought two brushes: one for her and one for me.

i spend a lot of time in the bathroom. grooming and picking mainly. it’s disgusting, i know. tonight after doing both of those things, i picked up the brush from the counter and began using it for it’s intended purpose, watching its effects in the mirror. i thought it looked pretty. my hair was smooth with less than the usual number of flyaways. i tucked hair behind my ears. put a headband on and played around with my bangs. should i let it keep growing or should i cut it short? the never-ending story of UN-satisfaction with hair.

the hair brushing quickly turned into fantasizing about brother’s friend and imagining him ringing the doorbell that very second. i go to the door, excited but nervous at the same time. would he like my hair? would he think i’m disgusting right now? i’m wearing a baggy t-shirt sans bra and my nipples are showing through the shirt; that would turn him on. in this fantasy brother isn’t home so his friend grabs me and we begin to tear each other’s clothes off, both knowing what we want. the story would go on to the inevitable climax but i was interrupted by the dogs.

i put the brush down and as i leaned into the mirror, i caught my own eyes and held the gaze. after a few seconds, i started crying. i look so sad. the face in front of me disgusts me. i cried harder and brought my face down into my cupped hands. i’m shaking. i look up again and see more tears and more wrinkles from the crying face of my reflection. disgusting. horrible. embarassed. a wreck. a mess. i can’t stop shaking.

after 30 seconds or so, i started noticing how i felt. repeating over and over in my head how i physically felt in that moment. the mindful moment disappeared when i caught my eyes again, but it reappeared shortly after not being able to stand my own face anymore. this cycle went on four or five more times.

shame came next. shame and guilt about what i was just fantasizing about. wondering why it’s always thoughts like this instead of other, more ‘normal’ things.

the crying and the breakdown eventually stopped when i realized the dogs might have an accident any second. off the let the dogs out and smoke a cigarette.

oil and sex have something in common

they are addictions.

this country is addicted and so am i. the usa to oil and me to sex (love). we share in the addiction cycle and are learning how to keep our priorities steady and restore ourselves to a sense of balance.

i picked this up watching obama’s 60 minutes interview tonight. i think about my addiction everyday and couldn’t help but feel as if he could have been speaking about me.

warning: politics, 60 minutes with barack obama

i loved this first interview with our new president-elect. steve kroft asked some good questions – some funny and heart-warming, some tough and serious. i think barack obama answered the questions clearly and candidly and michelle was warm and likable. she is such a strong woman. he is reading a lot of lincoln right now. yes, i am an obama supporter but for someone like my sister who might have happened to watch the interview, she would come away with a positive impression.

i need an audience

i thought of a good joke and i have no one to tell it to. here it is:

what kind of batteries do you use in your vibrator? Energizer!

or something like that. i’ve never been good at jokes.